Trust Yourself

It was the third day of studying with my late teacher, Michael, and before I asked him to officially be my teacher. At the end of practice, he guided us into Savasana, and, to let go of control of our breath. After a few moments, in which I thought I had set aside any shaping of my breath, Michael quietly walked over, sat down next to me, and placed his hand on my abdomen. He asked me if I could let go of my breath. My belly began to shake and warm tears streamed down my cheeks and flowed over my ear lobes. I didn’t know why I was crying. But, I did know that this was an important teaching. I asked him to be my teacher later that afternoon. An ask that had only happened once before in my life, and one that hasn’t happened since. 

Perfectionism and the need to have control has been a big part of my life. When I formally began my first teacher-student relationship with Swamiji Turyeananda, he asked me to give up something that wasn’t serving me anymore, as a part of the ritual of taking me under his wing as his student. It had to be something that was difficult to give up, but something that I could stick to, as it was an important part of this exchange. After three days of contemplation, it came to me: people-pleasing. 

I had learned the art of people-pleasing from a very young age. For the first 30 years of this life, I was an incredibly talented people-pleaser. I was a perfectionist that charmed those around me into liking me. I bent over backwards to receive attention and acceptance. It wasn’t until well into my adulthood, that I realized why I had become this person. I believed that in order to be worthy enough to receive love from others, I had to make them happy in some way. I had to make sure everything was OK, and that everyone was taken care of. If they were all happy, and I played a part in that (the bigger the better), then how could they not love me?

What I came to understand was that, by and large, my motivation for people-pleasing was rooted in a deep longing for love, coupled with a sense that there was something inherently wrong with me. I had to make up for that felt wrongness by being better, and doing more, and often to my own detriment. People-pleasing is different than simply wanting others to be comfortable and happy, and offering genuine support. With people-pleasing there's also an ulterior motive. Being “nice” and “helpful” was a compensatory behavior fueled by the feeling of not being good enough.

I write to you about this because we’re approaching the New Year, and New Year’s resolutions are a thing... What I see and hear are resolutions to be better, often stemming from a feeling of needing to "fix" something. This way of relating with the New Year is so loud to me because I've experienced it myself. When we wish to create change in our lives, we can motivate ourselves to take action from a place of self-criticism or from a place of self-love. While the actions we take may appear identical from the outside, the roots and effects of those actions are very differently experienced on the inside.

This year, should you have a resolution, I encourage you to consider a shift to relating with this want as an intention to evolve in some way. You're not bad, or wrong, or broken. You're not something to "fix". I invite you to remember that you already have the qualities you wish to grow within you. Underneath distraction, discontent, fear or grief, you have the strength and grace to access the parts of you that you want to celebrate in your life. You have the ability to create the life you want to live. This may seem woo-woo or fluffy. I get it. Honestly, I greatly dislike the fluffy woo-woo… a conversation for another time. If you’re feeling that aversion too, can you set that aside for a moment, and let the truth of your inherent self-worth and capacity for growth sink in? 

Yoga teaches us that at our core, are the qualities of love, compassion, and equanimity. We know how to live in relationship with kindness, honesty, and generosity. And when we need reminders of these attributes and our innate whole-ness, community can be such potent medicine.

I had to learn to trust that my body could breathe me, without my conscious guidance. I wish for us all to remember to trust our potential for continual evolution, and to experience this journey as an expression of self-love.

Wishing you all a wonderful transition into the New Year. 

In Love and Connection,

Emily